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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/29009493">True Love's Curse: The Shame of Knowing</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Witherstone/pseuds/Witherstone'>Witherstone</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Buffy the Vampire Slayer (TV)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Break Up, Curse Breaking, Curses, F/M, Fights, Gen, Jealousy, Love Potion/Spell, Spells &amp; Enchantments, True Love, vampires duh</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-01-26</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-01-26</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-18 10:22:05</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>4</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>7,421</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/29009493</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Witherstone/pseuds/Witherstone</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>After a misogynist warlock's curse hits Buffy instead of Willow, the results leave all the guys shooketh. Set after S5 'Shadow', slight AU: Joyce makes a full recovery. Shameless Spuffy. I own nothing.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Riley Finn/Buffy Summers, Spike/Buffy Summers</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>45</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. All The Graveyard Boys</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>"You're a men-hater, aren't you?" The warlock got backed into a corner by Willow, the redhead's spell rendering him temporarily powerless. "Then let me curse you with my dying breath."</p><p>Buffy dragged herself up the cave's wall, her legs still shaky from the sorcerer's last attack. Spitting the blood out of her mouth, she forced her battle axe out of the two rocks it was stuck between, then followed Willow's magick light and her enemy's voice down the stone corridor.</p><p>"Let your soul fall for them all, until the strongest wants you back", the warlock whispered, feeling the witch's power weakening. "That'll teach you arrogance and pride."</p><p>A bright light shone from the stone in his staff and aimed straight at the girl, too exhausted to run.</p><p>"Willow!"</p><p>Buffy jumped to push her out of the way of the spell, light hitting her instead and disappearing in her body. She rose from the ground and swung the axe at the sorcerer, lodging it in his chest. His body slumped to the cave floor, morphing back into his real demon self, and she nudged it with her leg to ensure its permanent deadness.</p><p>"He hit you with his curse, Buffy!" Will rushed to her side, unsteady from the magick drainage, and Buffy held her up. "Are you okay?"</p><p>"Seems so." She examined her body, but apart from the cuts from her earlier wizard struggle and some forming bruising, she felt fine. "Maybe it didn't work on account of him dying. Let's get out of here."</p><p>The two walked out of the cemetery cave and Xander rushed to their side, having just finished the warlock's minions stationed around its entrance.</p><p>With the rest of the Scoobies on a red Glory-alert, the wishy-washy demon wiz scored low on their terror list and the trio planned to defeat him like in the old times. Its tiny, but fearless minions were unaccounted for, and in the end, the fight put a strain on Willow's defensive spells and Buffy's patience. Only Xander beamed slightly, having just sliced tens of bothersome creatures with a sword.</p><p>"Will, can we do anything about closing the cave?" Buffy asked, scanning Xander for injuries. The redhead nodded slightly, turning around.</p><p>"I-I should be able to place a barrier now that the warlock's defeated. No evil can cross and the such." She ran back to the entrance and Buffy sighed, dragging the axe on the ground.</p><p>"Light Friday fun, huh?" She wiped the blood off her forehead with dismay. A glass shard-attack wasn't too effective in slowing her down, but was sure to leave her looking like a crash victim for at least a day.</p><p>"Hey, at least it's over." Xander offered her a tissue and she took it, her own sleeves torn and dusty. "How about a movie night?"</p><p>She smiled, cleaning herself up. "More like a scolding hot shower. Or a bath. Would you say no to a bath?"</p><p>Xander snorted, watching Will work her mojo in the distance. Buffy tucked his tissue away and touched his arm lightly, catching his eyes. "I'd make it a nice one."</p><p>"Sure, and we can invite Anya over for that extra thrill", he replied uncertainly, moving away from her. An awfully familiar and unsettling vibe crossed Buffy's face as she came closer to him, parting her lips.</p><p>"I was thinking more about just the two of us", she whispered and Xander felt an old high school panic shiver down his neck.</p><p>"What happened in that cave?"</p><p>"Something really exciting." She touched his chest and looked up, closing in on him, and Xander caught her by the shoulders, pulling her at arm's length with a holler.</p><p>"Buffy", he panted slightly, not meeting her confused gaze. "You are under a spell. But don't worry, because we've all been through this, and... just try to be yourself for a minute, okay?"</p><p>"I am myself, Xander", she replied, shrugging. "I just thought it'd be fun."</p><p>"Great. Yeah." He looked over at Willow, still busy with the barrier. "Any other thoughts on your mind? Like trying to kill me once you realize I have a girlfriend?"</p><p>She threw her head back in exasperation. "If you really love her that much, we can just-"</p><p>"Buffy!"</p><p>She looked in the direction of the voice and her eyes lighted up. "Riley!"</p><p>The soldier reached them through a clearing and she ran up to him, excited. He took her in his arms and touched the torn skin on her forehead. "Buffy, you're hurt. Badly."</p><p>"It's nothing, just surf... Though you could take me home, make sure I'm all... looked after..." Her voice grew softer and he smiled at her, then noticed the horrified expression on Xander's face.</p><p>"She's under a curse, Riley." He came closer but Buffy seemed to ignore him, focused on Riley's arms.</p><p>"Xander?" The soldier looked between them, but hugging him didn't seem like dangerous behavior. "How do you know?"</p><p>"'Cause she just tried to kiss me." He noticed her boyfriend's crossed brows and clarified in nano-seconds. "And I stopped her! Look, we need to get her to Giles."</p><p>Willow walked back to them, recovering from her own spell. "Are you guys okay?"</p><p>"Will, what happened in that cave?" Xander proded in desperation, watching Buffy cuddle up to her boyfriend like there was no tomorrow. Riley's obvious satisfaction was not helping his case, but he knew something was wrong with this picture.</p><p>The redhead paled, trying to remember the wizard's last words. "She was hit by some curse, b-but she seemed fine, and I don't know what it does..."</p><p>"I think I have an idea." Xander pinched the bridge of his nose, hating to go through this again. Fortunately, Willow didn't seem affected. "Riley, think you could check out that cave, see if the dead diviner rings a bell with the troops?"</p><p>The soldier didn't seem too keen on releasing the wiggling girl, but Xander grabbed her arm, pushing her away. "Believe me, this is not a joke. Meet us at the Magic Shop later."</p><p>"Ookay..." Riley stepped back hesitantly, Buffy's eyes calling him back to her. "Will she be alright?"</p><p>"You betcha." The soldier disappeared behind Willow's no-evil barrier and Buffy stood idly for a while before shooting Xander a look. "Just wear your Sunday's best." He hooked his arm with Buffy's and dragged her in the opposite direction, Willow following worriedly.</p><p>"That curse was meant for me", she recalled, trying to figure it out. "We might need Riley if it's-"</p><p>"Will, I regret to say I have some experience in boggled love spells." Xander plowed through, determined to get out of the graveyard. "And this one seems to make her latch to the manliest man she sees."</p><p>"Oh." As concerned as she was for her best friend, the redhead was also relieved not to be hit with <em>that</em> one. "He did call me a men-hater".</p><p>"We need to get her inside before she untethers from me and-" Buffy stopped abruptly and Xander groaned, pushing her forward, but it was like trying to move a boulder.</p><p>She swatted his arm away, looking around at the trees behind them. "Spike's here", she muttered with a weird mix of distress and anticipation, realizing something was very wrong with her.</p><p>"You can <em>sense </em>him, Buffy?" Willow asked tentatively, not seeing anyone around. Her friend snarked, walking away from them.</p><p>"Kinda. Also, he lives three tombs from here and I'm covered in blood." She shook her head, annoyed with his stalking antics. "Come on out."</p><p>Spike appeared from the shadows, putting out a cigarette, and eyed her with smug satisfaction. Whatever happened to her, it must have hurt. "Slayer. Rough day at the office?"</p><p>"What are you doing here?" She asked, crossing her hands, and he noticed her friends' concerned faces behind her.</p><p>"Hoping you're bleeding out. Thought I'd aid the fella." He came closer, the smell of her injuries drawing him near, but there was something else there, a nice surprise after her <em>'it'd never be you'</em> speech.</p><p>She watched him circle her, a wave of excitement rushing through her body. She wanted to fight him, to see him struggle, distracted by the smell of her blood... And then have him to beg for it again while she straddled him, and the unwanted thought was making her blush.</p><p>"Something wrong with you?" He asked, honestly expecting a punch, but she put a hand on her hip, speaking so faintly only his vampiric hearing could pick the words up.</p><p>"Beats me, but it's doing wonders for your<em> 'one good day'</em> chances."</p><p>She was shamelessly flirting with him and it was not one of his feverish dreams.</p><p>"Are you gonna stake me after?" He kept his cool on the outside, but this was a gift from the heavens. Only so many bad Slayer impressions he could take from Harmony.</p><p>"Depends on how you do."</p><p>"I'm in."</p><p>Willow and Xander dashed in, each grabbing one of her arms. "Spike, don't touch her, she's under a curse", Xander barked, trying to lead her away and failing. Spike bit down a sneer.</p><p>"Yeah, leave that one be." If she wanted it, her little friends couldn't do shit to stop her and he didn't care for the reasons.</p><p>"We don't know what it does yet." He raised an eyebrow, but Xander cut him off. "And before you say it, it may kill her in the long run, so go be a creepy perv elsewhere."</p><p>"Well, she's in no condition to fight it, so why don't you two hurry along and I'll keep her safe until..." His smart remarks were drowned out with yells of "Shut up!" and "Let's go, Buff!".</p><p>Buffy sighed heavily, turning to them with a whiny "No fair, guys, I didn't even beat him up yet."</p><p>"Right, let her have her fun", Spike cheered, beyond amused at how they hopelessly wrestled her away from him.</p><p>Her friends attempted to argue and she added, "And you have no idea what an ass he's been the other night."</p><p>"You can tell us on the way." One more unsuccessful attempt and Xander gave up, looking resignedly at the vampire. "Little help here?"</p><p>He marched in, chuckling and linking their palms together, Buffy's resolve diminished as she followed him.</p><p>"Let's go, kitten. You need to save the world first."</p><p>She fought her hand free and stepped up front, letting him follow her closely. So she did like their routine after all.</p><p>"Fine", she groaned, the curse growing stronger the closer she was to him. "But you're helping. And we're not holding hands in front of my friends."</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Working That Magic</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Their swift walk to the Magic Box never felt so dragged, Buffy trying to understand her circumstances while Willow kept frantically calling everyone who might be able to help.</p><p>"But why would a near-death demon choose a love curse? That can't be effective."</p><p>"It's more like an anti-lesbian curse", Xander figured, unsettled by hearing the vampire behind them crack up with laughter every couple steps. "Maybe he knew he lost, wanted to punish Will. Make her drawn to manly."</p><p>"Well, it can't be very strong. Such a wimp casting it, it should be wearing off already", Buffy thought out loud before remembering to negate everything. "Also, I'm not <em>drawn</em> to Spike. Encouraged to beat him into submission, maybe, but it ends at violence", she stated firmly.</p><p>"I stopped listening after <em>'submission'</em>", he commented and got collectively ignored.</p><p>"And Riley is my boyfriend, so it was normal", she carried on, grasping at every ounce of reason her mind was able to produce. Xander grunted, pointing at himself. "Please, I was just playing and you totally gulped." Buffy shook her head, still embarrassed about coming on her friend.</p><p>"Rationalize away, we're fixing it." Xander navigated them through a shortcut, hoping Will could round everyone up in time.</p><p>"But there's nothing there", Buffy sighed, noticing she was feeling better. Her healing factor was kicking in; she yearned to wash the dried up blood off herself, yet worried it would make Spike smell... other things from her.</p><p>"I just don't understand why he must tag along, I'm fine now." The moment she said it, her legs stopped on their own accord, Willow and Xander turning around abruptly to face her. "Oh, shit."</p><p>"One hundred feet", Spike bellowed from behind them, catching up leisurely. "And I'm not missing the show, this is bloody priceless."</p><p>He stood right behind her and Buffy fought the unnatural urge to take a step back into him, tense with humiliation. "You are the queen of denial, pet", he added, blood in no way dulling his sense of smell.</p><hr/><p>Giles, Anya and Tara listened to the story related by Willow while Buffy sat down quietly, too horrified to speak. These things just kept happening to her and Spike wasn't helping at all, sneaking around the shop behind her, eyes boring holes into the back of her neck, testing whatever new theory he conjured.</p><p>"Well, she can have Spike then", Anya commented loudly, not really seeing an issue. "As long as she stays off Xander." Willow rolled her eyes.</p><p>Wait a moment, Buffy thought solemnly. Why <em>should</em> she feel so bad? It wasn't her fault, she was doing her job and suffered collateral. And what if she was being drawn to the strongest man in the room? It wasn't personal! Spike just won by default, vampire constitution placing him above humans. It might have been any old vamp who happened to pass by.</p><p>But it just had to be the one who tried to kiss her in the back alley behind the Bronze the other night. The one that sat with her on the porch, listening to her cry about her mother for hours.</p><p>"Maybe a general reversal spell could work here", Tara volunteered, uncomfortable ideas popping into her head. It was supposed to affect Willow, after all...</p><p>"Yes, well, it-it is worth a try, if no other solutions come to mind", Giles concurred, eyeing the vampire anxiously. These kinds of affairs never boded well. "Would you mind setting it up?"</p><p>The witches rummaged through the shop's supplies as the bell over the front door rang, signaling Riley's entrance. He went straight for Buffy and Spike moved back, biting down a growl. This was supposed to be his fun only.</p><p>"Buffy, are you alright?" Riley took her by the hands, noticing how she didn't melt into him anymore, looking rather tense and freaked. "Did they fix it? The demon corpse was a bust, too low-key to make waves."</p><p>"They're working on it", she replied slowly, trying to focus on her boyfriend and failing to her own horror. She loved him, of course she did, but the curse was making it incredibly hard.</p><p>Riley looked around and noticed Spike hanging near the bookshelves, his stare more piercing than usual. "What is he doing here?"</p><p>"Nothing", Buffy replied quickly, touching his hands again. "Possibly helping, but that's to be concluded."</p><p>"Look, he really shouldn't be here", Riley stressed, sitting near her on the bench and lowering his voice. "I didn't tell you before, but something's off about him, Buffy."</p><p>
  <em>You don't say.</em>
</p><p>"He was in your house the other day, snooping through your room. That de-inviting spell, did you really skip his name when you did it?"</p><p>Realization hit her like an icy bucket of water and she turned to face the vampire, furious. Her clothes, her missing sweaters and underwear, everything Dawn fiercely denied taking.</p><p>"Oh God, you're disgusting", she whispered, knowing he could hear her. Riley frowned at their silent exchange that seemed to be taking place in a different dimension.</p><p>"Also, did you really go out for drinks with him?"</p><p>"Huh?" She turned around, caught off guard for a second. "That's what he told you?", she added for emphasis, embracing her most annoyed expression.</p><p>"My last close encounter." She pointed to her stomach, the stake wound almost healed. "Spike... killed Slayers in the past. I needed information, had to pay him for it, that's all."</p><p>Riley really wanted to believe it, but doubts made their way into his heart long before that incident. "And what did you find out?"</p><p>"A big load of bull and that he's sicker than I thought", she snapped. "Now can we move on to undoing this lunacy, before I completely ruin my life?"</p><p>Tara and Willow waved at her, still working on the ritual, and she realized she was being irrational. "I'm sorry, Riley", she muttered, closing her eyes. "This is just too much right now, and it's making me spazz out."</p><p>She was angry with him, but... why? He raised valid concerns about her safety and loyalty, without accusing her of anything. When she asked Willow for another de-invite on her house, she honestly forgot about Spike. Not that he wasn't a threat, just... not to her family, really.</p><p>"Buffy", Giles caught her eyes, approaching warily. "A word?" He gestured for his office.</p><p>"Spike, training room", she barked before following her Watcher. "And stay there." She shot him a death glare when he moved and he replied with a lustful smirk that made her blood boil.</p><p>"What did you really find out?", Giles asked, closing the door behind them. "This was a matter of great concern for you."</p><p>She crossed her hands, owing him honesty, but also finding it difficult to tell him the truth. "That Slayers are really expendable", she started. "They both had death wishes, apparently."</p><p>Giles just raised his eyebrows, waiting for her to explain.</p><p>"When you don't want to fight anymore. Don't give it your all."</p><p>"That's... awful", he stated. "Why would they feel that?"</p><p>She shrugged, having already made it through that discovery. "Why wouldn't they?"</p><p>The Watcher cleaned his glasses, looking for an alternative interpretation.</p><p>"Please remember, Spike is known for manipulating people. If he wished to break your spirit-"</p><p>"He told me the truth, Giles." She wasn't glad to defend Spike's derailed train of thought, but she spent a lot of time thinking about it. "No personal gain from making me gloomy."</p><p>"Except weakening you against other enemies. Buffy, you can't believe anything he says!"</p><p>"But it makes sense, Giles. No special moves, just readiness to give up." The only way out. "Besides... I don't think he wants me dead anymore."</p><p>He scoffed at that. "Since when?!"</p><p>"A couple of weeks at least. Don't ask how, I can just tell."</p><p>"What are you saying...?" She looked at him pointedly.</p><p>That he's all aboard the '<em>Buffy the Vampire Charm</em>' ship. God knows how I keep attracting the crazies<em>.</em></p><p>Giles resisted the suggestion. "Well, even if he does... and just for the record, I don't believe that at all..."</p><p>"It makes him unstable. I know. Here's hoping he'll get bored and obsess about something else soon."</p><p>"Or", he proposed in a serious tone, "we could solve this permanently."</p><p>"He's harmless." Was it the curse speaking? She really hoped so. "All he can do is annoy us now. It would be way unethical."</p><p>"Then just stay away from him, Buffy." Giles was losing to a bad-boy fantasy and it alarmed him. "Please."</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. What Makes a Man</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Riley couldn't stand being useless, not with the secretive glances the Scoobies were passing between themselves and Mr. Giles having one on ones with Buffy about things he couldn't even conceive. It was like an entirely separate plan to their lives, filled with magic and bizarre past events that he wasn't aware of, and ostensibly couldn't enter their club without knowing.</p><p>His Initiative experience always made him feel important, a responsible role hidden from the public eye. He worked hard on keeping a low profile, protecting society from unspeakable evil. But these people didn't even seem affected by personality-alternating curses, frequent alliances with their enemies and facing grave danger resulting in magical injuries.</p><p>They were performing a mystical ritual behind the unlocked doors of a public establishment in the middle of the night and he was suddenly an outsider here, less versed in their affairs than a neutered, obnoxious vampire ogling his girlfriend. Why was no one even mildly shocked, letting Buffy treat him like an eccentric relative only she knew how to handle, as if-</p><p>The wedding spell. That one night at the Bronze when Xander slipped it into a joke before Willow shushed him.</p><p>The informant. How everyone seemed to have some sort of memories with him, how he was around her since high school.</p><p>The truce against her murderous ex-boyfriend Dawn mentioned. How Joyce recognized his name, laughing she didn't know anyone that enthusiastic about mini-marshmallows. And Buffy was seventeen back then, and somehow this was worse than hearing about Angel.</p><p>Riley walked into the training room steadily, looking at the vampire sprawled on a stack of gym mattresses like he owned the place. "Private party", he said casually, and the soldier swore not to lower himself to his level.</p><p>He could keep calmer than something without a pulse. He could control himself without a chip not to tear him to shreds with the abundance of weapons adorning the walls. He really didn't want to, though.</p><p>As he eyed the demon, he worded the single thought present in his mind now. "Give me one reason not to."</p><p>Spike didn't move from his spot; there was no point. "She loses it, I'm the only one who stands a chance at stopping her."</p><p>"From what?" Riley felt sick, his muscles shaking. "She would never go ballistic, she's the strongest person I know."</p><p>"From hurting herself. And you don't know shit."</p><p>When the doors opened behind him, Riley reminded himself that he loved her, but the curse was making it really hard right now.</p><p>"Riley?" Buffy entered slowly, all washed-up, and touched his arm to make him look at her. "Come on, they're almost ready."</p><p>The vampire had to admire her self-control. Soldier-boy was pissing himself and she stood still, gently urging him out, not even batting an eye at Spike. One could wonder which one of them was affected by magicks now, if he didn't see how incredibly tense she was, trying to protect the last sliver of her dignity. He decided to let her have it and stayed silent.</p><p>"Hey", she tried again, softly caressing his chest. "It's going to be over soon. Let's go join the rest."</p><p>"I'm really tired of the secrets, Buffy", he spat finally, not touching her back.</p><p>"I know. And I'm sorry. Please, we can talk about this outside."</p><p>"Give me one good reason not to end him right now."</p><p>Spike arched an eyebrow. He was using the same line twice? Lame.</p><p>"Right now?" Buffy felt herself break, but it seemed only truth could reach him at the moment. "Because you'd probably die."</p><p>That made him really look at her. "Wha..? He has a chip!"</p><p>"Yeeash", she held herself back together, eyes and arms locked into him, resisting the magickal pull in the opposite direction. "And I'm under a curse that makes me seriously unaccountable for my actions." His eyes widened and she added in a whisper, "Look, I know this really sucks, but we will fix it in a few. So let's just leave."</p><p>He was rejecting all of her words. "What will happen if I dust him now? The truth, Buffy."</p><p>She was struggling. "I... might protect him." Actually, she would kill her boyfriend without hesitation. "I don't want to, and I really don't want to hurt you, and I love you, and please don't look into it, it's just magick-"</p><p>"What does this curse do, exactly?"</p><p>Outside. I beg you, don't make me say it in front of him.</p><p>He didn't budge. "It makes me insane, apparently. Reverses my natural instincts. In a very weird way. And it wasn't even meant for me!" Don't tell him about the strength part, mighty magicks, don't make me mention that part.</p><p>He was silent and she panicked, desperate to get out and avoid the fight brewing in the air.</p><p>"I'm not hiding things from you, Riley." She gritted her teeth, but couldn't allow herself to destroy everything she always thought she wanted. "I have a complicated history with everyone I know. It'd make for the most illogical book of the century, but if you need to know, ask me anything. Just not. Here. ...Just don't fight him today."</p><p>She was really putting herself out there for the boy, Spike thought. And he didn't seem to appreciate it one bit, because he couldn't recognize sincerity when it was staring him in the face, with eyes so beautiful it was turning him vicious.</p><p>Riley shook his head, putting her hands down. "I think I'll risk it."</p><p>She moved much faster than him, blocking his hands, footwork non-existing to avoid taking a warrior stance.</p><p>"Jesus Christ, Riley, my half-kick bruised you for weeks! I'm not controlling it!" She shoved him away as lightly as she could, girl power only, anything that didn't feel like the lethal force she wanted to use, and only then realized this was the part that actually hurt him.</p><p>"That was <em>'half'</em>, huh?"</p><p>Spike stirred, engrossed in the scene. A half-kick? Really?</p><p>"So I shouldn't be here. Again." Riley stepped back when she tried to come after him. "I wish you best of luck", he muttered, leaving and avoiding her eyes, and Spike almost started clapping.</p><p>"Slayer, go after him and tell me if he cries, I beg you", he urged, jumping down.</p><p>She turned around and her strike pushed him back into the wall. That was the full Slayer strength of her imploding self-control; he felt a shattered tooth under his tongue.</p><p>"How did that make you feel?", he asked with strain, spitting out blood from his split lip.</p><p>Awful. She almost crushed his jaw, yet touching him was making her excited instead of miserable, forgetting about Riley's whining at being weaker than her, and it was all ill-powered magick, but...</p><p>For heaven's sake, Spike had his entire <em>identity</em> taken away, leaving him with a feral hunger he could no longer satiate, and he made it into another insane challenge for himself. The resilience alone, at staying here, at pursuing the absolutely impossible was making Riley seem petty, and what even made one a man, and...</p><p>And he just gave up on her. Because of things that were beyond her control. She couldn't pretend not to be absurdly strong, couldn't pretend her life wasn't dictated by a mysterious mission older than civilization. Couldn't deflect a damn curse that was stripping her of her delusions.</p><p>No, it was wrong; she shouldn't compare them, they were too different. Riley was only human.</p><p>She really just thought that.</p><p>...</p><p>Giles, Xander and Willow came into the training room, alarmed by Riley storming off, then relieved at finding Spike under the wall, licking his own blood off his fingers, with Buffy standing over him in Slayer-mode.</p><p>"We're ready for the de-cursing now", Will announced, and Buffy sighed in relief.</p><p>"Wanna see me hate you again?", she snarled at the vampire and he picked himself up briskly.</p><p>"Hold on, I need to check something." He took her arm to turn her toward him and she shook him off, though more out of habit than her own will. "Buffy, this is getting serious. Think we should call Angel, have him come down there?"</p><p>He was bent on knowing and as soon as he worded the question, her friends froze, beyond curious.</p><p>She frowned. "Nah, bad idea."</p><p>"How come?" He had some time to choreograph this dance. "He's dying to see you."</p><p>"I'm sure", she admitted, then added silently, "But I'd rather go for a safe bet."</p><p>"Because of his curse? Willow can fix it." The redhead shook her head violently, but Spike kept Buffy focused on him.</p><p>"No, it... wouldn't change anything." Was that a lie? Didn't she spend the whole night fighting the spell from forcing the worst truths out of her? "And I think he's seeing Cordelia now." Xander blinked.</p><p>This wasn't going according to his plan and Spike was left to improvise. "Then how in hell do you consider me <em>'safe'</em>?"</p><p>And despite the utterly terrible day she was having, Buffy laughed. "You're not. You're dangerous, that's half the fun. But Angel without his soul went on a murder spree of my friends, and you're... here. That has to mean something."</p><p>"Except you can't trust me." This chance was not going to repeat itself. "I get what I want, or I get pissed that I can't, flip right out, do a murder tour myself." She looked at him intensely, considering it. "You know I could do that."</p><p>"Yeah, if you wanted to die", she said simply. "Rampage free and massacre people just for the sake of it? Sure, chip off, you're strong enough to do that. But I don't think you're insane enough to want it." It was somehow obvious to her. "Anymore."</p><p>You're the perfect woman, he thought with devotion, then looked over at the gang. "Can we keep her like that?"</p><p>"That's enough", Giles came closer and took Buffy by the shoulder. "You'll feel much better in a moment."</p><p>She wasn't feeling that bad right now. "I'm definitely under a spell here", she murmured, following them to the circle drawn with chalk on the shop floor.</p><p>"How'd you figure?" Xander retorted, positioning her cross-legged between the lighted candles.</p><p>"'Cause I just said a bunch of things I swore I wouldn't." She hid her face in her palm, Willow and Tara joining hands above her. "Please get on with it."</p><p>The ritual involved chanting in foreign languages, colorful sand that got stuck in her hair, and a lot of keeping still so she could silently reflect on how one Friday night could wreck her entire reputation. She would be better off drinking the savage-beer again.</p><p>"Buffy?" Giles asked after a while and she looked at the shoes of people standing around her. Spike wasn't there. "How are you now?" Maybe it was the smell of incense, or another phase of super-healing, but she felt quite revigorated.</p><p>"Tara, Willow", she turned to the witches and hugged them. "Thank you so much." They smiled with pride, until Willow looked at her with growing concern.</p><p>"What about Riley?"</p><p>Buffy grimaced and suddenly remembered <em>exactly</em> what the warlock said before dying.</p><p>"I don't think he wants to see me right now. I'll just... go home, sleep it off, become a nun." She shook the sand out of her hair. "I'll talk to him tomorrow. Now let me be traumatized in peace."</p><p>They talked to her some more, making sure she was alright, before she could exit the shop and breathe in the crisp night air. She just wanted to walk in it forever, not thinking about anything.</p><p>Unbeknown to her, Spike was watching from a darkened alley.</p><p>A hundred feet. Love spells could be tricky.</p>
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<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Breaking The Curse</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Buffy wandered around aimlessly, testing the limits of her self-control. The curse wasn't broken one bit, but there was no chance of her sharing that news with the gang. She could resist it to some extent, but it was taking most of her focus; she couldn't imagine going home, attending her classes, even slaying, all with those restless feelings pulling at her.</p><p>She knew Spike stopped following her some time ago and considered pushing forward, letting the spell tether her to another best thing, but it was pointless. She already ruined it and there was only one way to end it.</p><p>When she reached Spike's crypt, he was sitting on the sarcophagus, waiting for her.</p><p>"Figures", he said, looking up. "This the day?"</p><p>It wasn't forced desire she remembered from other love spells. She was still herself, in command of her approach; it was more like her past was wiped clean and instead of obstacles, she only saw options.</p><p>"If you want it that much, do it yourself." She walked to the opposite side of the room, glancing at the lack of decor. They were still talking about dying, right?</p><p>"Tried. It just felt pathetic." He barely had time to throw Harmony out with the faint hope Buffy would steer his way tonight. "Love spells ain't the easiest to remove, pet."</p><p>"It's not about that." She couldn't let herself go all out, undermining everything people wished her to become. "It's about what you made me say. You know that was the magicks, right?"</p><p>"Bollocks." She was stalling, he felt that. Spike stood up, but didn't approach her, sensing the shift in their relationship happening right before his eyes. "You thought about it before."</p><p>"So did not." She kept putting it off, the denial just for show, as if her friends were still watching them. But instead of infuriating, he found it amusing; word games were his art and he was going to beat her.</p><p>"I think I figured it out." He walked around the crypt just to throw her Slayer senses off balance. "Whenever you come around, what you need help with, it's all vampire things." She suspected where he was going with this and it made her avoid his eyes.</p><p>"You could substitute, but you can't waste time when you know the full extent of our abilities. Your morals fly out the window the moment the big mission is at risk. So it's all relative, isn't it?"</p><p>"This is different", she heard herself say.</p><p>"Hardly. It's a shift of priorities, ground rules stay the same." And you've crossed that bridge a long time ago.</p><p>The curse was keeping her here and Spike didn't care for much else. "I was playing a long game, but this shit just writes itself. You know I love you. Now ask yourself, what do you feel?"</p><p>"The opposite." She was protecting herself. "A-and it's just an obsession to you." She waved her hands around, but no one was around to judge her anymore, so the words just kept pouring out.</p><p>"You get bored in a second, Spike. You'll get your fun and when you skip town, I won't even be surprised."</p><p><em>'You'll'</em>? She came here with clear intent. "That's where you're wrong, Buffy. This is real. Forever. You just made it so."</p><p>"Nothing is forever!", she shouted desperately. "Hell, I probably have what, three, four years ahead of me? <em>If</em> I force myself to keep killing?"</p><p>They were both contradicting their natural instincts and it felt astonishing.</p><p>"With this mindset, you won't survive the night."</p><p>"Well, fuck my mindset."</p><p>He moved right behind her. "Let me assist."</p><p>She turned around to look at him tiredly, the mirth of his innuendo wearing out quickly, and he tried a different avenue.</p><p>"Don't get your knickers in a twist. It doesn't have to be a mystical revelation." She wasn't moving away from him, finally listening. "You want fun without the gloom vision of eternity? You'd be amazed at what I can deliver."</p><p>"I can't." She frowned, looking straight into him, ominous destiny things roaming in her mind. "It's not the same for me. I'll get involved, like you even more." Even? "It starts all tingly and then I'll have to kill you to save the world or something."</p><p>"Wait." He understood trauma, but what he saw in her was so crooked it made him pull away. "You don't believe in me not turning evil and well, fair enough, with your past it would be bloody naive." Looking at her, he knew he wasn't guessing. "But it's not what you're afraid of. You think you won't be able to pull off this stunt twice."</p><p>"Spike." Was it that obvious, or was he that inquisitive?</p><p>"That either you kill me and won't be able to live with it, or you'll die trying." He snorted at the insanity. "You shakespeared the shit out of it, pet."</p><p>He did not just make her fate into a laughingstock. "Please..."</p><p>"It's bloody marvelous." He leaped beside her, thrilled at the discovery. "Why didn't you tell me this stuff before?"</p><p>"Because I can't talk to you like that." You're dangerous, after all. "We can't... connect. Get close. It's t-the Shakespeare thing."</p><p>He stopped, turning toward her. "And you're obsessed with it because what, no one else's life ends in a tragedy?"</p><p>She held his gaze, blown at his choice of words. "Apocalypse. World ending. A personal uninvolved death would be a privilege."</p><p>"And those will find you, no matter what you do." He kept coming closer. "The only thing you can control is how you handle them."</p><p>She wanted to hold onto him and kept denying it at the same time. "Why didn't <em>you</em> talk to me like that before?</p><p>He backed her against the wall before she even realized. "'Cause that's the other half of fun." He leaned down, waiting for her to close the distance between them. "Finding out."</p><p>She didn't cover in fear, didn't shudder under his presence. He could have easily forced her to submit, but waved the option around, magick be damned, and it felt surreal.</p><p>When she rose to meet him, he was almost surprised, responding in a gentle, chaste kiss. She pushed herself against him, biting his lower lip and he gave in, tentatively touching her hair, deepening the sensation. He waited to see how it ends and then forgot it all when she moaned softly, her hands going under his duster to feel his body, and when she broke it he didn't move away an inch, couldn't.</p><p>"World ending... Apocalypse...", she whispered through her foggy mind and he smirked, lifting her chin to make her look at him.</p><p>"Keep talking dirty to me, baby."</p><p>She swallowed hard and made a decision, pulling him close again. "To hell with it, I just want you."</p><p>He followed eagerly, one hand holding her hip, lips brushing against her ear. "I always wanted you."</p><p>And right before they kissed, a bright ray of light shone from Buffy's abdomen, hit the concrete floor and disappeared, leaving a charred mark and a faint smell of burnt hair. They looked at each other in silence.</p><p>What changed just now? Buffy frowned, panting slightly, the strange magickal hold gone, but... leaving behind a natural one; desire, curiosity and a hint of amusement at the Shakespeare part.</p><p>"Spike?", she asked, excited to see clearly now, her free will fully back. "The curse just broke, not my waters. Don't look so shocked."</p><p>He took a step back, their familiar pattern crashing at the crossroads. "And where does that leave us?"</p><p>Why was the angst only gone now? She grabbed a lapel of his coat, smiling devilishly. "In a place where if you don't take me right now, I'll make you."</p><p>He caught her by the waist, lifting her around so her back hit the sarcophagus, then resting his hands on the sides of it. "I really want you to do that."</p><hr/><p>Spike couldn't tell how long he was in her, not wanting to miss a second yet losing track of time completely. They barely managed to touch while under the wedding spell and he wanted to know her completely, learn her beautiful body, hear every sound he could make her do. They fit together so well, when fatigue overtook them he stayed over her for a long time, wishing to keep feeling her. They both had new bruises and scratches on them, and it gave him crude satisfaction to think she just released some deeply repressed frustration.</p><p>Buffy held Spike's arms, still amazed at what transgressed between them, taking deep breaths to calm her raging emotions and shaking muscles. She already knew what he could do to her, the skills and stamina that made her scream; the way he tore all her defenses down to the most raw needs, staying with her all the way, ironically alive. But being with him without the influence of magick added another layer and though it couldn't be love, it felt incredibly close.</p><p>"You have no idea what you do to me", she heard him from beside her, face in her hair, holding her as close as physically possible.</p><p>She giggled, stroking his back. "At least you don't seem any more evil."</p><p>His hand moved to her breast, teasing the nipple. "How much evil are we talking?"</p><p>She thought about spending the night with him, what it would be like to simply lay there under the covers, feeling him while she fell asleep. Then she glanced at the window over his shoulder and realized the night was gone.</p><p>"I'll have to go", she murmured, petting his hair, and he moved to touch their foreheads together.</p><p>"You're never leaving here."</p><p>"I need to get back before my mother wakes up. I can't make her worry, Spike, not now."</p><p>Right, the outside world still existed. He moved to the side, releasing her, then watched lazily as she ventured around the crypt, looking for her discarded clothing. He used to think it was the madness of not being able to kill her that drove him to passion; that once he had her, it would be over, out of his system and he'd be free to hate her again.</p><p>The moment their lips met he knew he'd never get tired of loving her. He still wondered where did that leave them.</p><hr/><p>She returned home before the first alarm clock, with enough time for a decent half an hour of sleep, then made her mother sick with worry over the crash victim cuts on her face. You couldn't have it all.</p><p>College classes felt long and pointless, but weariness went away the moment she thought back to last night's events. Apart from how much her friends would fly off the handle if she told them, was it really that wrong? It felt incredible, far beyond <em>'want it again'</em> and all the way to<em> 'never gonna stop'</em>, but... could they really make it? Because she didn't feel like doing doomed again.</p><p>Riley caught her in the corridor when she was getting ready to leave. "Buffy, can we talk?"</p><p>She should have expected it. She nodded and led him to a bench near the campus fountain, a nice sunny spot, neutral enough for whatever approach he wanted to take.</p><p>"Are you alright now?", he started, unsure what to make of her blank face.</p><p>"The curse was lifted yesterday", she replied casually. Everything else will heal with time.</p><p>"I need you to know that I'm really, really sorry." Penance. He wanted back. "I thought about what happened all night and couldn't shake the feeling I acted like a coward. You deserved better and I made it all about me. I'm... ashamed."</p><p>She was curious how many versions got scratched before he settled on this one. "You didn't believe in us through a stupid spell." Saying it out loud, it still hurt a bit.</p><p>"I did." He reached for her hand, but stopped halfway, afraid she'll reject him. "I still do. I just hate being useless, Buffy."</p><p>"You were not." She felt sad, but they were suddenly miles apart, making it easier to stay calm. "I needed you there, your support. You left me alone to face it."</p><p>"You weren't alone, everyone came to help." He was defensive after that <em>'shameful coward'</em> confession?</p><p>"Yeah, couldn't have done it without them", she snapped bitterly. If her friends didn't drag her away, that curse would've been over half an hour upon being cast.</p><p>"Look, I knew you weren't in danger. You're much stronger than anyone there." He really couldn't say Spike's name, could he?</p><p>"Then why do you take it personally, Riley?" He was the one <em>'excited'</em> to date a Slayer. "So far I could outfight everything I met. That's how I'm still here."</p><p>"It-it's a guy thing, okay? This is new territory. But I will get over it, I promise."</p><p>What makes a man, huh. He would be so mad if he knew.</p><p>"Don't bother." She turned away from him and he grabbed her arm in panic. She stared down at it until he let go.</p><p>"What are you saying, Buffy?" They had a fight, that was all. With how well she was handling the situation in the Magic Box, why was she so stern about him cracking under pressure <em>once</em>?</p><p>She looked straight at him. "You broke up with me the moment you walked out, Riley. I'm just making it official."</p><p>It wasn't that easy to leave him, to turn her back on <em>'normal'</em>, but it was the right thing to do. Also, last night she finally came while being on top again.</p>
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